I will start by saying even though my journal is Pro-Ana I do not support those without an ED to try to have one. This is a place for those of us who do, or those who know people to do to feel like they are not alone.
I have tried in the past to share how I am feeling and why I do the things I do with family and friends. They do not understand and I feel even more alone and stupid for talking. So this is my safe place. My place to come and vent and talk about everything that I can not speak to the people around me about.
I am 20 years old and became bulemic when I was 12.
After dealing with it for two years my family made me get help.
Instead of dealing with the emotion and problems behind my Ed, I just found a new way to rid myself of the pain. I was cutter or (SI) for four years. I loved the rush of a razor to my skin. The warm blood dripping off my body. I have since married and found stregnth in my husband. I know that now my body is not mine alone but his as well. I have refrained from cutting for almost two years and never plan on going back.
Recently my life has been spinning out of control.
I am losing the ground I walk on and need to find peace in myself.
I have befriended Ana again.
For the past 3 weeks I have been slowly falling into my old eating habbits.
I only allow myself one meal a day. A small portion at that.
I did a 3 day fast which i broke it was supposed to be a week.
I was made at myself for this.
I just finished a purge ruetine that I will not allow myself to get into.
I hate allowing myself the food/ I am not MIA. anymore.
It has now been 24 hours since i have ate or drank and im trying to go 48.
I will continue to do only liquids after that for 5 days.
Then i will be on a strict 700 cal. a day diet and making sure that i burn at least 800 to be safe.
As of right now I am 6 Lbs underweight and my goal is 20.
Short term goal is by Thanksgiving I want to be 15. I have three weeks to lose 9 Lbs so I am hoping I can do it.
My husband works mostly evenings so I am able to get away with not eating most days.
I have been sleeping in to avoid breakfast and lunch and he is gone by dinner.
My family and close friends have noticed that i am smaller but they are not to concerned yet.
My Hubby doesnt know about my former ED so he will be easy to fool for a while.
I have never been overweight. I was always the tall thin one of my family and I hope this never will change.
